Lone Wolf In The Crowd

Most people want to be seen.

I want not to be—at least, not all the time.

In school, I sit in the middle.

In church, I sit at the back.

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I tread like a lone wolf in a city full of people.

Eyes darting at every corner,

wondering if anyone notices me—

hoping they don’t.

I try not to be known in a gathering

because I don’t want to announce myself—

especially not my inabilities.

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So I blend in with the crowd.

I borrow their colors,

speak their language,

pick from their brain cells like a zombie,

and pretend to listen,

even when my mind is miles away.

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I spend hours ruminating on how to fit in—

how to sound normal,

how to behave like everyone else.

How to say “hi” and not feel it in my chest

But I learn more than I practice.

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I join communities and don’t participate.

I attend events by myself

and leave the same way.

People scare me sometimes.

I seem to see their thoughts written in their eyes.

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I can see what they see—

and i am scared it might be me

So I stay by myself.

I reflect.

I talk to myself.

I try to be my own friend.

To understand myself.

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Because maybe—

just maybe—

I’ll walk into rooms

and not search for corners.

I’ll speak

without rehearsing silence first.

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Maybe—

if I understand myself deeply enough,

I won’t need to hide

to feel safe.

Maybe—

if I can fully get myself,

I’ll know how to show up better

in a world that feels too loud

for someone like me.