Dear God, It’s Been a While

Dear God,

It’s been a while.

I went through my journal

And I found out the last time I wrote to You was March 30th, 2025.

I was beyond shocked…

At how far I keep drawing away from You.

I would take two steps forward—

And twenty steps back.

How convenient of me.

---

To be honest,

Being with You feels more like a responsibility

Than a relationship.

I made it a duty to pray every morning,

Read a Bible passage every day,

Only listen to Christian music,

Never scroll past any Christian post on TikTok…

To be honest?

It became exhausting.

Because it is a responsibility I can’t hold onto much longer.

---

I want to know You for You.

I want to build a relationship with You—

But it’s hard.

And I don’t know how.

I wish I did.

But I really don’t.

I was mad at You…

Mad about a lot of things.

Mostly because I had high hopes—

And it just didn’t work out.

But then again,

When you want a relationship with someone,

You should do for them more than you expect from them.

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Still… I can’t help but think:

You are the Almighty,

You oversee everything—

So why not just do everything?

How convenient, right?

I want to pursue You.

But I feel like I need to come to terms with myself

Before I can do that.

And honestly?

I fear it might be too late.

Until then,

I guess I’ll treat what we have as a responsibility

Until it becomes a relationship.

---

I don’t think I’m mad at You anymore—

Who am I anyway?

I just think I kept a lot of things bottled up.

And now that I want to be with You,

I don’t even know how to start.

It’s funny, isn’t it?

How even with everything,

I still call on You in every little inconvenience—

And You respond.

Without hesitation.

---

Honestly, I feel like You respond to the little things I ask for

Way more than the big things.

And it makes me wonder:

Are those big things not for me?

Am I tripping to even ask for them?

Am I overdoing it?

Or do You close Your ears when it comes to those ones?

Either way…

I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Because even in this mess—

I feel something for You.

Strongly.

Thank You

For always being there

In the tiniest moments.

— Mide